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Dumbest of the Dumb Make News
There’s no shortage of things to make fun of in this world. If anything, the list is growing exponentially.
For someone in the Making Fun Of Things Business, these are boom times indeed, but even so, I often find myself returning to the tried-and-true, the Old Reliables, the classics. Take it from a professional: For real, deep-down, making-fun-of satisfaction, you can’t go wrong with Idiot Criminals.
Let us take the case of Nathan Mark Hardy of Biloxi, a town that was mistakenly named for an over-the-counter skin cream.
Nathan was arrested after visiting a D’Iberville, Mississippi Winn-Dixie grocery store where he bypassed the checkout lane, skipping the paper-or-plastic dilemma so he could walk out of the place with his groceries in his pants.
This is where it gets interesting.
On Nathan’s shopping list that day were two bags of oxymorons, also known as jumbo shrimp; a pork loin; and two live lobsters. Yes. The man walked out of the store with two live lobsters in his pants.
I assume Nathan is a man with all of his working parts. Or was, until he put those lobsters down there. One part that was not working that day, however, was his brain. When accosted by store employees, he attempted to escape by throwing the pork loin at them. Then he tried to run away.
With lobsters in his pants.
He fell (good job, lobsters) and was taken to jail, where, presumably, the lobsters, which have gone from entrees to evidence, are being held. In the tank.
Our second idiot is Natalie Behnke of Florida, who was arrested after visiting the Baby Dolls Lounge, a strip club in Clearwater, and after seeing the entertainment decided that she, too, wanted a career in the exciting field of Show Business. And we do mean show.
So she removed her clothes, clambered onto a stage and began asking patrons for money and roughing up the other dancers. When asked to leave, she became aggressive, at which point the boom was lowered, cops were called and Natalie was hauled off to jail.
When they arrived, police said, she was intoxicated (I know. Hard to believe.) and emotional. Well, of course she was emotional. You would be, too, if you’d gone to all that trouble only to find it wasn’t Amateur Night.
Our third criminal mastermind comes from suburban Chicago, and manages to combine elements of the previous two stories: Theft and nudity.
Hachem Gomez, 19, was arrested after cops found he had broken into the Mr. Beef and Pizza restaurant in Mt. Prospect, Ill. Once inside, police said, he damaged a cash register, served himself a soda, and fixed a meal of chicken tenders and fries.
What made it interesting is that he did it all in the nude, and according to the cops, he wasn’t drunk or under the influence of drugs. This makes you wonder what was going through his mind at the time, although I recommend you don’t dwell on it lest you come up with an answer.
Now, you do have to give Hachem some credit. He fixed his chicken tenders and fries in a microwave. Good move. The one thing you do not want to do naked is mess with a deep fryer.
But he’s still an idiot.
I mean, who goes to Mr. Beef and Pizza for the chicken?
© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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