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Junk Food Gimmicks Kind of Cheesy
So there I was, pushing my cart past the Forbidden Foods (i.e. anything fun) aisle of the grocery store when I was stopped in my tracks by Cheesy Poofs.
(Actually, they weren’t really Cheesy Poofs. They were Chee-tohs. You’ll find them on the rack next to the Lie-Ohs and Steal-Ohs.)
Anyway, back to the package. “Limited Edition,” it said.
They meant the package, not the contents. On the outside, it was a reproduction of the Chee-tohs bag from the olden days. On the inside, I presume, it was the same neon orange junk as usual.
What a weird thing – a limited edition junk food package. Weird in my world, anyway, although I imagine there are lots of people out there who think this is a great idea.
Biff: Gosh, Judy! I sure do miss the old Chee-tohs package!
Judy: Me, too, Biff! Our nifty teen parties, weenie roasts and record hops just aren’t the same since they changed it!
Biff: If only they would come up with a limited edition package that looks just like the old one!
Judy: That would be keen!
Biff: Gosh, Judy! You’re such a swell girl! How about you and me heading up to the lake to watch the submarine races?
Judy: Keep your mind on the Chee-tohs, Biff.
Here’s a question: What do you do with the Limited Edition package once the Unlimited Edition contents are gone? It’s a limited edition, after all. Do you frame it? Tuck it away in a safe deposit box? Bequeath it to an heir?
Lawyer (reading will): To my daughter Ammonia I leave the house, the cars, and my ginormous personal fortune. To my son Mildew I leave my Limited Edition Chee-tohs bag.
Ammonia (sobbing, to Mildew): Daddy always loved you best!
Now, I’m not saying I’m immune to junk food nostalgia. As soon as it came back on the market, I bought a bunch of Bonomo Turkish Taffy – at great peril to some rather extensive dentistry, I might add. I chuckled at the throwback cans of Mountain Dew (mostly because I think the best thing you can do when someone hands you a Dew is to throw it back). I can’t get enough Beeman’s gum, which comes out every once in a while along with Black Jack and Clove gums as well.
I miss Post Toasties, Mister Salty pretzels, Salerno butter cookies and Butternut candy bars. And if someone would start making Chesty Potato Chips and Pokagon soda again I would think I had died and gone to heaven.
But I’m not a sucker.
Remember when TV Guide – I mean, remember TV Guide? Remember how they used to come out with collector editions with four different covers for the same week? What a ripoff. Gee, I wonder many of those collector sets are sealed away, waiting to go into a museum?
Or, for a more recent example of gooballery, Hershey is producing a chocolate bar with bubbles in it. That’s a big innovation, all right. They’re selling chocolate air.
And now, Limited Edition Chee-tohs? Toward what end?
I think we know. It’s toward the end of selling a lot more Chee-tohs by preying on the goofballs who actually think this is a big deal. As if. They’re just Chee-tohs, for crying out loud.
Now, Fritos … well, that would be a different story entirely.
© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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