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Flatulant Dogs a Gas Among Friends
My dog Cookie (“Keeping The Back Yard Free From Squirrels Since 1999”) has recently been somewhat, shall we say, gassy.
Oh, who am I kidding? Gassy doesn’t BEGIN to describe it. She’s practically lethal. If things were any worse she’d be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
Now, I was raised in the country and as such, some of the smells my city friends find highly objectionable don’t really bother me all that much. A lot full of cattle? No problem. The swine barn at the State Fair? A breeze, so to speak.
A cheese-cutting dog, on the other hand …
Actually, it’s not so bad under certain circumstances, such as being outdoors with a strong wind blowing away from you and the dog. Under those conditions it can even be fun to have a few guy friends over so you can make gassy dog comparisons (“Oh, I remember the time our dog Herb ate a half-pound of braunschweiger. We had to spend the night at a motel.”)
However, Cookie and I spend a lot of time in a small office, where the air circulation isn’t so good. You can see the problem. Actually, it’s not the smell so much. It’s just that I can’t see my computer screen because of the burning in my eyes.
I’ve been down this road before with a number of other dogs, and I know that this condition, while incurable, can usually be taken down a notch or two with a change of diet. And so I’ve been researching different dog foods in hope of finding one that will clear the air.
I think the dog food companies are full of (see above under “lot full of cattle.”)
For one thing, they all promise the same thing: Dogs will love it. This is completely bogus. We are talking about animals that eat garbage, including the egg shells and coffee grounds. Cookie once upended a bird feeder and ate a pound of millet. Don’t even get me started on the litter box. The point is, dogs eat anything. Of course they’re going to love it.
And then there’s the claim that the food tastes good, or that the flavor has been improved. Quick question: How do they know? We’ve already established that dogs think everything tastes good, so there goes that one. And as for the flavor being improved, that’s a judgment. A human one. Does that mean there’s someone down at the dog food factory sampling the kibble and making comparisons?
I’ve never eaten dog food that I know of, although I’ve had some greasy spoon chili that was highly suspect. I have, however, at the instigation of a cousin, eaten a Milk-Bone. Having had that experience I cannot for the life of me figure out why my dog will actually beg for one. It was awful. Then again, I think the same thing about Rye-Krisp, which it vaguely resembled, so I may be biased.
Anyway, so far I haven’t found the solution to my problems with Methane Mutt. I suppose I’ll just have to go by trial-and-error until I find a brand of food that produces the least amount of air pollution. Just my luck, it’ll be the expensive brand, too.
That will stink, but not as bad as my office.
© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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