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CONDO & SON FUNERAL HOME
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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 Dipping Into Mike’s Mailbag

And now it’s time for that semi-regular question-and-answer feature, “A Dip In The Mailbag.” As usual, I’ll be the Dip. Let’s begin.

How’s your mom?

I have no idea. This is March, which means the NCAA men’s basketball tournament, so my basketball-crazed mother is incommunicado. With her satellite dish and her DVR, it is now theoretically possible for my mother to watch 48 hours of basketball in a 24-hour period. From what I hear, she is doing all she can to move this beyond theory and into reality.

What does your mom do when college basketball season is over?

She sleeps. Until her birthday. May 29.

Are you following the NCAA tournament?

To a point. I always enjoy the first round because there’s something so delightfully truant about watching college basketball on a weekday afternoon when you should be working. It’s slightly reminiscent of those bygone days when teachers would wheel big black-and-white television sets into the classrooms to watch the World Series, which was a heck of an improvement over geometry.

After the first round, though, I tend to limit my watching to the Indiana schools that remain in the tournament (unlike, say, a certain little old lunatic lady you might have heard about) and even then I have to be careful. My cardiologist does not appreciate last-second victories, if you get my drift.

Do you fill out a bracket for a tournament pool?

No. I am the only human being in my office, so it would be a fairly shallow pool. Besides, gambling on basketball tournaments is illegal, and one of these days the cops are going to come down hard on you tournament gamblers. All 310,000,000 of you.

How come you haven’t written about Charlie Sheen?

Because everyone else has. Besides which, I don’t find a lot of humor in watching some egomaniacal boob losing his marbles on national television. It’s not like he had that many marbles to begin with. After all, most people in show business seem to be a couple aggies shy of a full collection.

What do you think of his Torpedo Of Truth tour?

Some torpedoes are duds.

Did you see where one of his goddesses is from Fort Wayne?

Yes. The porn star who goes by the nom de cinema Bree Olson is, in fact, a Fort Wayne girl made … well, you couldn’t call it good, exactly. Let’s put it this way: Something tells me she won’t be getting the key to the city any time soon. Besides, as Fort Wayne products go she’ll never top DeBrand’s chocolates. (I would have said Bun bars and Seyfert’s potato chips, but they don’t make those in Fort Wayne anymore.)

Do you still lift weights?

Well, they’re not going to lift themselves. If you mean do I still work out, the answer is yes, although I really just started up in earnest again, and believe me, Earnest is happy to see me. I was laid up for a while there with a bum hip. I was out of commission for about 30 pounds.

So you’re trying to lose weight?

Yes. It takes time, lifting weights to lose weight, but I find it’s worth the wait. And on that weighty note, you must excuse me. I have to go exercise and watch some basketball. Then, most importantly, I have to not call Mom.

 

 

 

© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.