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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 Take It as a Sign; Zodiac is a Killer

And now, the latest report from the offices of Hokum, Hooey, Malarkey and Nonsense (LLC): A whole bunch of us have new zodiac signs.

Of course you’ve been following this, seeing as how it has been reported as “news,” even though lately there has been plenty of real news to follow. However, modern media studies have proven that the giving people real news these days – as opposed to infortainment, reality programming or political shoutfests -- is like doing card tricks for your dog.

Anyway, here’s the gist of the story:

The world of People Who Actually Believe This Zodiac Baloney was rocked recently when some science guys reported that position of the earth relative to our sun had shifted since the creation of the zodiac in ancient times. This means that the stars no longer line up the way they used to, and someone is going have to rewrite the lyrics to “Age of Aquarius.”

Add to this the evidence that the creators of said zodiac, the ancient Babbalooneyans, left out one zodiac sign entirely – oops -- and what you are left with is a real panic for the 25 percent of Americans who really believe in astrology.

The missing zodiac sign is called Ophiuchus. Why did those ancient astronomers leave it off the list? The educated guess is that they wanted 12 signs, not 13, to make things line up nice and near. Someone’s sign had to go and poor Ophiuchus drew the short astrological straw.

Personally, I think it has to do with the name. Even if you could pronounce it, who would want to be an Ophiucan? It sounds like an insult. It never would have gone over in the discos and fern bars of the heyday of astrology, the 1970s: “Hey, baby, what’s your sign?”

“Ophiuchus.”

“Same to you, lady.”

Also, remember that these were ancient times when kingdoms battled over such things as “science” as they understood it. It’s entirely possible that the Babbalooneyans, in order to keep their secrets from falling into the hands of the Adenoidians, deliberately left out Ophiuchus, the way this cousin of mine always “accidentally” leaves an ingredient when someone asks for one of her signature stolen recipes.

Anyway, now we’re left with a completely new zodiacal calendar. I can’t wait to hear how my friends who go by this stuff justify their behavior now. I mean, one day you’re a Libra and so you use that as an excuse for what are considered to be Libran traits of being diplomatic and urbane. The next day, you’re a Virgo. Do you have to start acting differently or will you simply rewrite the rules to make Virgos diplomatic and urbane instead of independent and frank as they’ve always been?

I used those examples, by the way, because that what has happened to me. All my life I have been under the impression I was Libran. Now I find out that nope, I’m actually a Virgo. I am stunned to say the least. It has been a very long time since anyone called me anything even RESEMBLING a Virgo. However, I should also point out that it has also been a long time since anyone called me diplomatic and urbane.

Oh, well. Whatever I am, I can take comfort in this:

I’m not an Ophiuchan.

And that’s the good “news” from here.

 

 

 

© 2011 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.