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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 ‘Snowmageddon’ Buries East Coast

I’m sure you caught the news about the Winter Storm That Changed Life As We Know It … on the east coast.

It was one of those storms which set off a blizzard of hyperbole (see above) as news services scrambled to out-do one another in the Ridiculous Description Department. The winner? “Snowmageddon.”

Now, in looking at the storm coverage from Snowmageddonland, I have come to the following conclusions:

1. The people who live in the east are by and large a bunch of weenies.

2. The ones who aren’t weenies don’t have the sense that God gave geese.

3. Weather isn’t news until it hits the east coast.

I shall explain.

What I saw on the news were pictures of long lines at airports and people in those lines lamenting that their flights had been canceled. I’ve had that happen and I know how truly upsetting it can be, but good grief, from all the wailing and gnashing of teeth, you would have thought they had to walk to their destinations.

It was one of those moments when you want to reach through the screen, grab someone by the front of his parka and say, “Stop whining. It isn’t personal. Snow did not come here to make YOU miserable. It came here to make everyone miserable.”

This brings us to the business about not having any sense. I saw footage of shoppers running into a mall to hit the sales. A reporter gathered them up for the customary TV Weather Interview (the most popular Midwestern version involves a skinny jeeter with no shirt and a grimy ball cap talking about the tornado that sounded like a thousand freight trains).

They were complaining about the cold. Hello? You live in the northern half of a country on the northern half of the globe. It is winter. You are running around in the cold and snow wearing a hoodie and sweatpants. In other words, you are a moron.

Which brings me to the last part. Excepting the occasional western, southern or Midwestern flood, tornado or yes, blizzard, weather generally isn’t news until it hits the east coast. Why? Simple. News organizations, or what is left of them, are headquartered in the east. When you view the world from the safety (and frugality) of desks, as is increasingly their practice, then you tend to report only what you can see on your screen or out your window.

Besides which, the east just falls to pieces in snow. My family lived in suburban Washington D.C. when I was a kid. A quarter-inch of snow would close the schools and paralyze traffic. It’s not that way anymore, of course. Now the traffic is paralyzed no matter what the weather.

Now, I realize there are people who are truly inconvenienced, or worse, by the weather in the east. This is serious and I wouldn’t want to make fun of them. But I will make fun of the thinking that brands a blizzard “Snowmaggedon.” That’s over-the-top silly and serves no purpose other than to make nervous people more nervous.

Besides, what are you going to call the next big storm? Snowmaggedon Junior? Snowmaggedon The Sequel? Snowmaggedon II: This Time It’s Personal?

No, wait. I have it. Hitch up your long johns, folks, for …

SNOWPOCALYPSE!

(But only on the east coast.)

 

 

 

© 2010 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.