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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
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 ‘Bodyfat Bandits’ Grossly Felonious

I’m sure we all saw the story about the two Oklahoma women who were caught shoplifting by stashing the (allegedly) stolen goods in their skin folds.

And I’m sure I speak for many of us when I say:


Just … eeeeuw.

Here’s part of the wire service account:

“Ailene Brown, 28, and Shmeco Thomas, 37, (were arrested) on suspicion of shoplifting after the pair allegedly stuffed $2,600 worth of footwear, denim and accessories under rolls of fat on their stomachs and beneath their breasts.

"These two individuals were actually concealing them in areas of their body where excess skin was, underneath their chest area and up around their armpits," Edmond Police Officer James Hamm told”

Once again, all together now: Eeeeuw.

Here’s what really got me: Part of the haul included boots. Boots. Four pair.

How deep does a body crevice have to be to hold one pair of boots, let alone multiples?

Don’t answer. I don’t want to know.

Now, I don’t want you thinking I am picking on Ms. Brown and Ms. Thomas. Well, I am, but not for being … um, how to put this politely? I know. Ginormous. Heck, according to the Centers for Disease Control, 34 percent of US adults were considered obese in 2007-2008.

(In Indiana, the level is estimated at 29.5 percent of the population. Oklahoma, where the alleged Plus-Size Perpetrators were caught by the long, skinny arm of the law, weighed in at 31.4 percent. The Big Kahuna, as it were, is Mississippi,which led the charge at a full-figured 34 percent.)

Now that is statistical obesity, often quoted by doctors and insurance companies. I’m sure you’ve seen the height/weight charts at your doctor’s office. They usually post them right next to the scales. They’re real comedians, those doctors. Especially since the charts show that any adult human who weighs more than 135 pounds is Fat Albert.

Actually, my former primary care comedian, Dr. Shecky, used to tell me that I wasn’t overweight at all. In fact, I was the perfect weight. The problem was my height. I was 4 feet undertall.

But back to Oklahoma. As I said, I’m not making fun of these women for being large. I’m making fun of them for being stupid. And, let’s be honest, kind of gross. Boots and denim? You can’t exactly fold a pair of jeans down into a small, concealable package. Well, maybe baby overalls or something. But logic says if they were buying for themselves they would have some pretty deep skin folds, all right.

Of course, the plus side would be that the shoplifting possibilities are endless: Bicycles, furniture, Smart Cars …

Oh, well. Time for justice to run its course. The women have been charged with felony shoplifting for their alleged crime.

(Newspaper rules require the use of the word alleged, you know, and rightfully so, although it can get a little out of hand sometimes. I mean, one of these days some overzealous newsie is going to write that the sun allegedly rose in the east this morning.)

But in the case of the Bodyfat Bandits, alleged is correct. This could be a big mistake and they might well have been planning to pay for their selections. Although I do not want to know where they were keeping the money.





© 2010 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.