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CONDO & SON FUNERAL HOME
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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 Pain in the Ass Benign, Doctor Says

Looking back, I can see now that my first mistake was thinking I could have a normal day. My second mistake was thinking that I was just in for a routine doctor visit.

In Mike World, you see, the words “normal” and “routine” mean nothing. There is no such thing as a normal day or a routine doctor visit, which is probably just as well. I wouldn’t know how to behave anyway.

So here’s what happened: I got up bright and early to head to the office of my new doctor. Well, I call her new even though I’ve been seeing her for a few years now. Still, she is doctoring me in the wake of the legendary Dr. Shecky, the world’s funniest (he thinks) physician, who took care of me for 20 years before he retired. It’s going to be three or four more years before Dr. Buffy, so named because she is about half my age, will no longer be “new.”

We talked about the customary stuff – blood pressure (excellent), cholesterol (excellent), weight (oops) – and then I mentioned that my right hip had been aching for a month or so. Buffy asked a few questions, did a little poking and prodding, and then decided I should get it X-Rayed, just to see if there was anything going on in there.

So off I went to the X-Ray office. I usually don’t mind X-Rays, although as Rays go, I prefer Ray Charles. My hip was really starting to hurt, though, and it seemed like every time the attendant moved me she made sure to put me in a position where I got the maximum amount of pain for my insurance dollar. It hurt so much I even forgot to make the old “I think my eyes were closed” joke when she came out to change films.

I expected to hear from Buffy in a few days regarding the results. Imagine my surprise when my phone rang less than an hour later.

“Have you got some time to talk?” my doctor asked. “Oh, I just hate having to give people bad news.”

Three times in my life I have had a doctor scare the bejeezus out of me. The first was when a cardiologist looked at my chart and said “This is very, very serious.” The second was when Shecky told me he was changing all my prescriptions to suppositories. And then there was the call from Buffy, in which she basically said there was a tumor growing in my hip joint.

A half-hour later, I was back in Medical Land getting an MRI of my hind end, a claustrophobic’s nightmare of a procedure that took about 45 minutes and, judging by the heat generated as the magnetic waves passed through my caboose, left my buns a delicate golden brown.

The result, apparently, indicates that the tumor is benign. Whew. But Dr.Buffy still recommends we go see Dr. Heiny Surgeon to get it removed because, to use the technical medical term, “you never know.” So yippee for me. I don’t have a malignant butt tumor but I still get to have surgery.

You had better believe I’m relieved. And grateful.

After all, now I know for certain what it means when you say your entire day was just one big pain in the rear.

 

 

 

© 2010 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.