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Big Beautiful Lashes ... for Your Car?
Some years ago, when I was a young man trying to make his way in the exciting world of Big Time Professional Journalism, a man gave me some valuable advice:
“Never say you’ve seen everything, because the second you do, something will come along to make a liar out of you.”
I’m trying to remember who said it, and where. It could have been my father, which means we were probably in the Mongo Tavern enjoying the spécialité de maison, ham sandwiches and Pabst Blue Ribbon. Then again, it could have been when I was a reporter in Columbus, which means I probably got it from my editor Stu, which further means we were most likely in the Columbus Bar enjoying the spécialité of that maison, grilled tenderloin sandwiches and Miller Lite. Or, it could have been some miscellaneous drunk.
Anyway, it’s good advice. Which I herewith plan to ignore, for now I believe I have seen everything, and remember, this is from a guy who actually had a close encounter with the Oscar Mayer Weenie Wagon.
I have seen eyelashes for cars.
They’re on the Weird Wide Web, so you know they’re for real. I mean, who would go onto the Internet to lie about such a thing?
What we’re talking about are rather large appliqués that go over the headlights of whatever you are driving, giving it what the mascara commercials call long beautiful lashes for any occasion, rain or shine.
And, it should be added, turning any vehicle they are applied to into a sissy.
I’m a little surprised it has taken so long for something like this to hit the market. Car fronts have long resembled faces, and not just in the cartoons. I had a great-uncle who drove a Plymouth that looked exactly like Edward G. Robinson, if Edward G. Robinson had four eyes and chrome lips.
And there has always been a certain type of driver who simply could not resist “personalizing” his or her automobile with some sort of geegaw – a radio antenna festooned with a raccoon tail (or in the case of the true iconoclast, an entire raccoon); a naked lady hood ornament; a fake hand poking out of the trunk. At least, I think it was a fake hand.
I see carlashes as mostly a girl item. I base this on my experience with one particular girl who always gave her cars cutesy-poo names like Violet and Annabelle, who moved her decorations (graduation tassel, stuffed animals, chrome accelerator pedal shaped like a foot) from her old car to the new, and who tended to choose her automobiles based not on mileage or horsepower, but on how well the radio worked and if it had well-placed cupholders. Oh, and if the color went with her wardrobe. Believe me, she would have been all over this headlight-eyelash business.
I’m sure there are lots of people who will follow the same path. I suppose we all see our vehicles as extensions of themselves – I can certainly make that argument for my truck – and some folks just want to gussy up a bit. I guess it’s okay as long as they stay on the face end of the car. The time to start worrying will be when they begin putting makeup on their tailpipes. The cars’, I mean.
© 2010 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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