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Cleaning One Month's 'Dog Logs'
The recent warm spell - False Spring, I like to call it - actually gave me another reason to like winter.
Winter means cold. Cold means snow. And snow means all the things in the backyard that were buried under previous snows will be buried once more.
I speak, of course, of the natural byproduct of sharing your life with a canine: dog logs. And my goodness, but there are a lot of them in my back yard. I had no idea it was so abundantly fertilized. If I didn’t know better, I’d think my dog Cookie had gone out and recruited some friends to help with the job. Big friends.
(Note to those contemplating becoming dog owners: Well-meaning people will tell you to look at a puppy’s feet for an indication of how large the dog will be when grown. Uh-uh. The answer is alimentary.
(My vet, using the foot guide, said Cookie would probably be about a 35-pounder, and then looked puzzled when I burst out laughing. I had already seen Cookie on a bombing run, so to speak, and knew from the size of the payload that she wasn’t going to be a 35-pound dog. I guesstimated 65, which still turned about to be 15 pounds too conservative.)
At any rate, I have my work cut out for me. Perhaps you, as a dog owner, have your work cut out for you as well. In that case, allow me to pass on ...
Mike’s Tips For Cleaning Up A Month’s Worth Of Dog Logs
1. If you can, invest in a high-quality hazmat suit. Your best choice would be one of those big shiny jobs that makes you look like a visitor from the planet Purina.
2. Failing that, old scuba gear works fine.
3. Get some of those big, black mad scientist gloves. This is not a job for cotton work gloves, food service gloves, or oven mitts.
4. Buy those tongs they use to change control rods from nuclear reactors. They’re about 15 feet long and made from kryptonite.
5. Wear flat-soled shoes. One wrong step and you can kiss your brand new Air Jordans goodbye. On second thought, don’t kiss them. Burn them.
6. Try for a day when the temperature is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Remember, the difference of a few degrees is the difference between a chore that is merely unpleasant, and one that will make you pass out.
7. After you have gathered the deposits, dispose of them in an appropriate manner. That does not mean dumping them over the fence, leaving them in a vacant lot, or the favorite of my teenage years, putting them on the principal’s doorstep, setting the bag afire, ringing the doorbell and running like mad.
And finally ...
8. Be sure to lock the dog in the house while you’re doing this. Number one, dogs can be awfully possessive of these things, the goofs. Cookie just has a fit: "Hey! I was saving those!"
And number two (sorry), your dog will immediately start to replace what you remove. You think Sisyphus had it bad rolling that rock up the hill? Try keeping ahead of a dog with paws the size of Cookie’s. You’ll be - you should pardon the expression - all worn out.
What, you thought I was going to say pooped? Please. It’s the yard that’s pooped. Bigtime.
© 2010 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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