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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 Close the Curtains for Naked Coffee

I’m sure we’ve heard the old saying about how people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Well, you can add some other things to that. They shouldn’t pick their noses, either. That is to be done in the car, at a stoplight. And they shouldn’t walk around naked, although I would be willing in to make exceptions for Halle Berry and Sofia Vergara.

Which brings us, in a most roundabout way, to the case of Eric Williamson of Springfield, Virginia.

He doesn’t live in a glass house but he was naked the other morning, and that seems to be the trouble. So much trouble that he was arrested for it.

Here’s the story, hot off the Internet:

"Eric Williamson, 29, got up at 5:30 a.m. Monday and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. He was naked, but he was alone in the Springfield house, so he didn’t think it mattered."

Wrong.

"A woman and a 7-year-old boy were cutting through Williamson’s front yard from a nearby path, according to WTTG-TV, Channel 5 in Washington. Through his front window, they saw Williamson having coffee in his birthday suit.

"Fairfax County police showed up and arrested him."

The story didn’t say so, but I am 99 percent sure that the house is made of some standard building material with only the customary amount of glass. Which, evidently, is all you need to break the law against being naked in your own home in Springfield, Virginia. I presume one exists or else they wouldn’t have arrested him.

Williamson says he was just standing in the kitchen, having a cuppa joe in his altogether. The police say he wanted to be seen. However, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. Not that I have any personal experience, but it doesn’t seem to me that 5:30 a.m. is the prime flash-your-neighbors hour.

That said, I’m not sure drinking coffee in the nude is the brightest idea he ever had, and not just because there were people cutting through his yard and looking in his window at the time. I can sum up the problem in one word:

Spills.

Owie owie owie.

Now let’s go back to another detail of the case. This woman and the kid were cutting through the guy’s yard. Since when is this acceptable? How come they didn’t get arrested for trespassing, or peeping in his windows? I was taught to respect other peoples’ property, every hour of the day including 5:30 a.m. You simply don’t go traipsing through other peoples’ yards.

You don’t stare in their windows either. It’s rude. Besides, they might be naked and if it’s not Halle Berry’s or Sofia Vergara’s house, you could well need a brain scrubber to get that image erased, and so far, nobody has invented one. You could very well scar yourself for life, and anything less than the aforementioned Halle or Sofia, it’s just not worth the potential trauma.

But no. The woman and the kid skipped, and Eric is looking at a possible year in jail and a $2,000 fine. All because he wanted to have a cup of coffee au naturel, and also without sugar or cream. And because he didn’t do what anyone with a lick of common sense would do when walking around the house naked:

Close the curtains.

 

 

 

© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.