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A Hilarious Romp Through the Mail Bag
Time to make some selections from the mailbags (snail, e- and voice). You have questions and I have well, they’re answers in the technical sense. Let’s get started, shall we?
You’ve written lately about your health. What’s going on?
Isn’t it obvious? My warranty ran out. Human beings are like refrigerators. Just as you get to know where the mustard has been hiding - or, in the case of humans, once you begin to think you might have finally learned a thing or two - some doohickey on the inside lets go and whammo: Next thing you know a repairman is poking around in there with pliers and a screwdriver. And the refrigerator has it even worse.
Is it life-threatening?
No more than my diet.
Aren’t you on a health kick?
That is a dirty, unfounded rumor and, and one of these days I am going to give unholy what-for to the person who started.
You did, about six weeks ago.
Note to self: Give me unholy what-for tomorrow after workout.
You said you were lifting weights and dieting.
Ah. The lifting weights part is true. Yes, I am weight training, which has always been my second-favorite form of exercise, the first being pinochle. I have nice little gym I visit six days a week. It has everything I need and it’s close to home, seeing as it’s out in the garage.
But the diet?
No such thing. Diet, to me, means celery sticks and skinless, boneless, tasteless breast of factory-produced bird. I eat the same food pyramid as everyone else. I just stack the stones a little differently, with protein making up the bulk of the food. Basically, in the last six months, I’ve eaten about half a cow.
Did you check with your cardiologist?
Sure. He didn’t say anything but his eyes got big. And then he made a whole bunch of notes. I guess he’s wanting my recipe for Hunk Of Beef With Cottage Cheese On The Side.
Hey, what’s your dog been up to lately?
Cookie? She’s doing what she always did: Sleeping, eating, sleeping, barking at passersby, sleeping, barking at squirrels, sleeping, eating some more, passing gas when people come to visit, and, of course, sleeping. It’s a full day.
She also seems to have developed a taste for bumblebees. She’s eaten about three (that I know of) so far this spring. I don’t know how she does it. Then again, when most of what you eat is kibble, a bumblebee might taste really good.
Isn’t it about time for your family reunion?
Not quite. It’s a two-reunion year, Mom’s and Dad’s sides both, and they’re about six weeks and eight weeks from now. This gives me just enough time to lose some more weight and find some new food to bring to the pitch-in. The food is part of my never-ending quest to bring something to the reunion that’s doesn’t come from a recipe beginning, "Take two cups of mayonnaise..." The weight loss is so I can eat some of the stuff that comes from recipes beginning "Take two cups of mayonnaise..."
Does Cookie go to the reunion?
Only if they’re serving bumblebees.
Some Q-and-A. I thought you said you were going to answer questions.
Look again. I said I would give answers in the technical sense. I never said I’d give answers that MAKE sense.
© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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