PLEASE VISIT OUR SPONSORS
earning your business everyday
New & used vehicles with a full line service & parts dept. Call 765-932-2447 or 866-576-7874 or visit us on the web for more info.
open 7 days! dine-in or carry-out
PIT STOP PIZZA & PUB
Open for breakfast at 6 a.m., Mon-Sat. Steak special Fri-Sat. Daily homemade meal specials. 711 N. Main Street in Carthage. 765-565-6078
body repair experts
KNIGHTSTOWN COLLISION CENTER
Call 765-345-5380 for info/quote or visit us at 221 W. Main Street
No Joke! Funny Tales from the IRS
I seem to know a lot of funny professionals. My doctor, my dentist, my accountant – they’re all jokesters.
Most of the time this is all right. MOST of the time. There are exceptions.
My former physician, the retired-and-greatly-missed Dr. Shecky, had a knack for making a joke while the flashlight gizmo was still in my nose. More than once I just about shot the thing across the room. And my dentist, Dr. Laughing Gas, just loves to pull that dentist stunt of asking a question that requires a complete sentence to answer – but only after your mouth is full of dentist fingers.
And then there’s my accountant, Chuckles.
This is April, and if there’s ever a month you don’t want a jokey accountant, this is the one. It’s tax time, and you’re about to sign off on a document and in doing so, swear that every last bit of it is the absolute truth, and if it isn’t the Internal Revenue Service can send you to a labor camp in Antarctica. You’d think this might cut down on the hilarity, but no. Take a look at some of Chuckles’ tax-time Laff Riots:
* “I went ahead and claimed a cat as your dependent. Congratulations. You now have a daughter named “Mister Tinkles.”
* “I tried a couple of unusual business deductions here. I have friends at the IRS and they tell me these things work almost 14 percent of the time.”
* “Oh, by the way: If you look at Form 1190 WOWO, you now own 45 percent of Vandelay Industries. Don’t ask.”
* “You’d better check my figures. Math was never my strong suit.”
And the classic:
* “Don’t worry. If the IRS questions anything in your return, we promise to visit you in prison.”
Now, the truth is that Chuckles is a very good accountant. What am I saying? He’s a wizard. And he approaches the whole tax business as a sort of contest between the IRS and us.
By that I mean there are a finite number of legitimate deductions available to someone in my circumstances. If we miss them, the IRS isn’t going to tell us about it, so it’s up to us – that is, Chuckles – to find every last one of them. And he does.
I used to do my own taxes. I called him in because the IRS and I were in dispute to the tune of a several thousand dollars (you can guess which side of the dispute I was on.) Well, Chuckles not only cleared up the mess (and got me to swear off tax return software) but also went through my records and found a few overlooked opportunities. As it turned out, the IRS ended up paying me about twice what they said I owed.
So you can see why I put up with Chuckles’ jokes.
That said, I still can’t help being a little nervous this time of year. Once you’ve received one of those “Nice Try, Now Pay Up” letters from the government, April is nerve-wracking, even with a pro like Chuckles on the job.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sign this year’s return.
Chuckles says I might want to double up on the Prozac first.
I think he’s joking. I hope he’s joking. Please let him be joking.
© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
Copyright © 2009 Knightstown Banner, LLC The Banner PO Box 116 Knightstown, IN 46148 (765) 345-2292