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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 Writer Researches Strip Club Hazards

I hear those strip clubs, the ones where women remove most (and in some states, all) of their clothing to perform gymnastics routines like the Olympics never saw, are not always the most respectable places to spend an evening.

OK, you got me. Yes, I ventured inside one or two such places in my youth. Strictly for research, you understand. At least, that’s what I told a friend of mine when he met me going out as he was going in. Also to do research, I understand.

Of course, I only went into places that identified themselves as “gentlemen’s clubs.” That way, if someone pressed the case, I could say that I was at the club with some gentlemen, and thus fool them into thinking it was one of those places where old guys sit in club chairs reading the newspaper while silent waiters bring them glasses of sherry. Yeah, right. And meanwhile, naked women cavort over in the dining room.

Anyway, I knew these places were less-than-reputable, but I never thought of them as dangerous until I read about a man over in Akron who is suing a club because he was injured during the post-swimsuit portion of the program.

The injury? A stripper named Tiara, doing a high kick, clobbered him right in the nose.

Yusuf Evans, 35, says he needed surgery and even so, has impaired breathing from the blunt force of Tiara’s fashionable (in 1973) platform shoe. “I have to live with this the rest of my life,” he whined as he sued the club for $25,000 on the grounds that it allowed its dancers to wear “improper attire.”

(Note to Yusuf: Weren’t dancers in improper attire the reason you were there? Or was it just because you enjoy listening to bad music and paying seven dollars for a watery Coke?)

Now if Tiara (who, interestingly, borrrowed her stage name from sparkly headgear instead of the usual source for stripper names, the weather report – hence all the Sunnys, Mistys, Rains and my favorite, Partly Cloudys) had been wearing tennis shoes, maybe Yusuf would have gotten out with his proboscis intact. But no, these were stripper shoes, dangerous footwear with thick soles and heels five, six inches tall, often made of Lucite. In the wrong hands – or, rather, on the wrong feet – they could be considered weapons indeed.

Take the case of a guy down in Florida who was injured at a club when a dancer’s shoe flew off during a performance, hit the mirrored ceiling, and showed the poor schmo with broken glass. The shoe hit him, too. Bet he had fun explaining that one at the emergency room.

So remember, you dancers: If the shoe fits, wear it – snugly. And if it doesn’t, you might tell the customers to duck.

That won’t help Yusuf’s nose, of course. But I do have a question concerning the way it got itself knocked out of joint. What was it doing in the flight path? Was he perhaps a little too close to the danger zone? Just asking.

So now you know. Strip clubs can be hazardous to your health. And not just on the premises, either. I mean, what about that guy in Florida? Forget about explaining his injuries at the emergency room. What do you suppose he looked like after he explained at home?

 

 

 

© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.