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A News Story That Razes Eyebrows
I’m sure we all saw the story about the guy down in Bloomfield who had his eyebrows trimmed for charity.
Well, then, sit back and get ready for ... EYEBROWS IN THE NEWS!
We take you now to Charming Bloomfield, where former jeweler Si Burgher donated his eyebrows to Rotary International's PolioPlus, which raises money to fight polio in the developing world.
Members of his Rotary Club bid for chances to prune the hedges over Si’s eyes, which had never been trimmed and grew to a length of three inches. The event raised $1.600, at $500 bucks a whack.
What a heartwarming story. I’m sure you all join me in saying:
“THREE INCHES? Good Lord, man, have you never heard of scissors?”
Or something of that nature.
I saw the before pictures of ol’ Si. It looked like the south end of his forehead was planted in tumbleweeds, with a few vines and creepers – Jeepers Creepers, to be specific – thrown in for good measure. He could have braided these things, or put them up in curlers.
In other words, they were a mess. As eyebrows go, they were worse than Andy Rooney’s, which is saying something. I’m not kidding. Andy’s look neat and tidy next to what Si used to have.
Three inches? Let’s put that in perspective, shall we? Three inches is about the length of a playing card. It’s half the length of a dollar bill. It’s ... it’s ...
It’s way too long for eyebrows, that’s what it is.
My Dad had some pretty aggressive eyebrows – black, thick and bristling. He kept them under control, though, generally with a whip, a chair and a pair of barber shears. He was the Gunther Gebel-Williams of eyebrow trimmers.
Mine started heading that direction when I was in my mid-20s. In what had been nice, neat, orderly, everyday eyebrows I’d get this one one crazy hair that decided to go its own way. Trying to escape, I guess.
One day I noticed it had brought friends to its merry little escapade. Interestingly, this was at a time when I had very long hair on top of my head as well, so there I was, keeping the barber away from my hair, but giving my eyebrows crewcuts.
Of course, crazy eyebrows are only the beginning for most guys. Without getting too – oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? Ah, I have it. Gross. Without getting too gross, men just get weirdly hairy as they mature.
It’s like the Weird Hair Elves come in the night and secretly douse you with Rogaine in as many unusual locations as they can find. Then they destroy a few scalp follicles, just for fun. You wake up in the morning and find that not only has your hairline gone north another couple of millimeters, but you also need to shave the front of your nose.
This is the stuff they never told you about in seventh grade when all the girls had to go to the Home Ec room to watch their Special Movie About Growing Up, and all the Boys had to go to the Science Room to watch theirs.
They SURE didn’t say anything about eyebrows. Or if they did, I was asleep.
I wonder if that’s what happened to ol’ Si. Three inches? Jeepers Creepers.
© 2009 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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