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In Comparison, We're All Geniuses!
In this season, as we leave one year and enter another, I find it helpful to think of things for which I am thankful.
I know, I know, I should have taken care of that back in November. Well, I was busy. Besides, I had a mouthful of mashed potatoes at the time.
Actually, this is a pretty good idea, if I do say so myself. It makes more sense for me to go into the New Year with an attitude of gratitude, rather than the attitude I’ve used in the past, which is to say horizontal (or in my drinking days, tilting in that direction). I’m not usually up late enough for the champagne-kiss-Auld Lang Syne routine. As far as I’m concerned, the New Year gets here on Dec. 31 at 10 p.m. and we greet it with root beer and a Homer and Jethro record.
So, let’s see. What am I grateful for besides the usual (health, a roof over my head, food to eat, work I love, friends I love more, family I love most of all, and my toy tractor collection being better than my brother’s)?
I’m thankful for the existence of three people: Devin Perry of Gainesville, FL; Vincent Gonzalez of Vero Beach, FL; and Heath Campbell of Easton, PA.
Perry is the criminal mastermind who tested positive for drugs at his probation office. His incriminating urine sample was stored in a small, locked refrigerator there, so he hatched his brilliant scheme of breaking into the office and stealing it. He shot out a window, climbed through and did just that. Along with the refrigerator, and all the other urine samples within.
Police were given a list of ... um, donors, and went to their homes until they came to the guy with shards of bloody window glass in his house, whereupon they arrested him PDQ. Or should that be Pee DQ.
Gonzalez is the creep who got into a fight with his girlfriend as they sat in a car in front of their home. Police said Gonzalez would not let the woman out of the car, so she threw his drink out the window. He retaliated by smashing a cheeseburger into her face, the way Jimmy Cagney did to Mae Clark in “Public Enemy.” Then they got out of the car and he did it again.
The cops hauled him off to the hoosegow, where he posted $1,000 and was released. Personally, I was kind of wishing he was in longer so he could go on a hunger strike. The cops would have to force-feed him. I suggest cheeseburgers.
Which brings us to Campbell, who raised a bunch of sand when a grocery store bakery refused to squiggle his kid’s name onto the top of a birthday cake. And what, you ask, was the little tyke’s name?
Adolf Hitler Campbell – older brother, by the way, to JoyceLynn Aryan Nation and Honszlynn Hinler Jeannie Campbell.
Dad’s contention is that “a name’s a name.” Right. If that’s the case, Dad, why don’t you change yours instead of hanging that horror on a little kid.
Now why, you might ask, would I be grateful for the existence of three such morons as Devin Perry, Vincent Gonzalez and Heath Campbell? Easy.
With stupidity like that on the planet, the rest of us look like geniuses.
© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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