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A Lovely Planter with Four on the Floor
We just have time for a few questions today. Yes, you there in the back?
Do you have any summer travel plans?
Hmm. It appears someone hasn't been paying attention. Remember me? I'm the genius who bought the pickup truck with the 25-gallon tank just before gasoline hit four bucks a gallon.
Meaning I've already blown my summer travel budget in one quick trip to the gas station.
So you won' t be going anywhere this summer? Not even the Family Reunion?
Not so fast. Of course I'll be going to the family reunion. Going to the family reunion is not "optional." Your attendance is not "requested." Going to the family reunion is like a command performance, only without the performance part. Wait. I take that back. Some people are quite entertained by the sight of their relatives trying to juggle overloaded paper plates full of fried chicken and juicy salads in one hand, and three desserts and a glass of lemonade in the other. I know I am. Next question?
What kind of desserts?
Well, there's cake, pie, cookies ... look, let's just make this simple. You want to know what kind of desserts we have? Go to a Betty Crocker cookbook. Prepare every single dessert recipe. Put them all on a big table that looks like it is going to collapse under the weight. We have that. Next, please?
Why don't you write another book?
What, you think I should have more boxes of unsold literature out in the garage?
You call what you do "literature"?
Good point, Mom.
Maybe your third book will be the one that really takes off and makes you into a rich and famous author with movie deals and foreign language rights and sequels and chats with Oprah and your own weekly radio show where you get to sing because you're the boss.
Yes, and maybe the Tooth Fairy will stop by for a cup of coffee. Look, Mike Royko said this: "Books are long. My column is short. I prefer short." Right now, I agree with him. But I'm keeping my options open in case I need to to be like Ulysses S. Grant, who said: "Holy frijoles, I'm broke. I'd better write a book."
Do you still ride your motorcycle?
No, I ride someone else's. Of course I ride my motorcycle. It's still the coolest way I know to get from Point A to Point B. Besides, it gets 40 miles to the gallon. The way things are looking for the rest of the year, I'll probably be riding my motorcycle to do my Christmas shopping. Speaking of cool. Or more likely, frozen.
So that's your plan for the summer? Going to the reunion, avoiding work and riding your motorcycle?
Oh, heck no, I have lots more to do. There's sitting around the house reading comic books; giving myself second degree burns from fooling around with the barbeque grill; wandering around the Internet with no real destination in mind; and yelling at the television "news." It's a full schedule.
And what about the truck? Gonna sell it?
Nah. I'll keep it around for a while. Even if I don't drive it, it's still nice to look at. Besides, I'm still paying for it. Gas prices or no, I have to get some use out of it. Such as?
I'm thinking maybe a planter. A planter with a four-speed manual transmission.
© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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