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Mr. Pie Butt and Other Creepy Tales
It used to be so simple. I'd go to the store, find some jeans in my size, pay for them and walk out with my purchase. It took 15 minutes, tops, and was easy as falling off a log.
But now, because of a combination of complications, not the least of which is the supposed labor-saving device known as the home computer, what once was a no-big-deal, quarter-hour exercise has taken me the better part of an afternoon. And I'm not finished.
Much as I would like to, I can't blame everything on the computer. I play a part in this little drama, too, because I am not anywhere close to the size I was back when I bought my jeans in 15 minutes. If I tried to wear my old jeans now, I doubt I could get them north of my kneecaps.
This increase in my avoirdupois leads me to do my shopping at specialty stores for large men (King Kong Clothiers, Guts 'n Butts, and my personal favorite, The Fashion Store For Big And Beastly Men). Actually, I rather like shopping there. Anyplace where the sizes go up to XXXXXXXXL makes me, by comparison, a shrimp.
However, this also raises a question: By buying clothes at Mr. Sumo, am I giving in to my weight? I worry about that. Mostly because every time I buy them, I swear I can hear my mother going "Tsk, tsk, tsk," the way she did when we went to the boys department and I had to try on jeans from the "husky" section.
Well, back to today. Because it was hot and I did not feel like spending any of my precious four-bucks-a-gallon gasoline, and also because I hate to try on clothes (see above under: Tsk), I decided to do my jeans shopping the modern way - online.
I got to the website (Styles for Mr. Pie Butt) and clicked on the "jeans" tab (right under Sports Shirts, T-Shirts and Tents). There I found a humongous selection of humongous jeans.
There were comfort cuts and freedom cuts and fashion cuts. There were straight legs and tapered legs and straight legs with tapered ankles. There were black, blue, tan, stonewashed, acidwashed and whitewashed. It was a giant jumble of jeans, and the only thing they had in common was the phrase, "Cut larger in the seat and thighs."
What I couldn't find was what I used to buy, which is to say Regular Old Jeans, only bigger. I know they're in there somewhere. I just couldn't see them as I searched through all the examples of jeans priced - get this - at up to $200.
Yes. Two tanks of gas for a pair of jeans.
I know mine take a lot of fabric, but this is ridiculous.
Meanwhile, my computer kept hiccuping. The browser would konk out and then I'd have to reboot. I think it must have been overloaded trying to bring up all those pictures of blue denim pants, sold by the acre. Either that, or the computer is trying to tell me to go on a diet, which means my mother is a better hacker than I thought.
So I think I'm going to give up, for now. Maybe I'll try again later. Maybe I'll go to the store after all. Or maybe I'll just go ahead and bite the bullet - or rather, the celery - and get my weight back down.
And don't I wish that were as easy as falling off a log.
© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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