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E-mail Questions and E-mail Answers
The mail (e-, snail- and voice varieties) has been stacking up again. What say we take a look at some of those cards, letters and messages? Oh good. You're so agreeable.
How's the bread baking coming along?
Splendidly, thanks. The other day I turned out two loaves of Red River Cereal bread that were as good as any other I've made in a long while, at least in the Breads Made From Canadian Breakfast Food division. I made a loaf of Rustic Country Bread - made with wheat and rye flours and a half-cup of rusticity -- that was close to perfect. And I made a sesame semolina bread that would have made you cry.
Because it was so good?
Because of the price of semolina flour.
So what are you doing with all this bread, anyway?
Oh, the usual. Eating some, giving some away, and using some for bricks. A few more weeks of Whole Wheat Experiments and I'll have enough for a barbecue in the backyard.
Or a bread oven.
Hey. Who's the smart-aleck here?
Have you been practicing your trumpet?
For one thing, I don't play trumpet. I play trombone. Well, I did, anyway, back when I was in school and the earth was still cooling. For another, I didn't practice then, so why practice now?
What are you going to do with that trombone, assuming you get your chops back?
Good question. First, that's a big assumption. I suppose the answer would be play it. You know - romantic trombone serenades, performances as a strolling trombonist in an intimate little restaurant, trombone songs around the campfire.
And assuming you don't?
I'm thinking it would make an interesting floor lamp. And best of all, it would be adjustable thanks to the slide. Try that with a saxophone.
So what's new with your dog Cookie?
She's a dog. Everything is new to her, all the time.
Meaning you can walk out the door, walk five paces, turn around, walk back to the door and go in the house, and Cookie will greet you like you've been gone for a month and a half.
Most dogs are like that.
I know. Isn't it great?
Please send me your recipes for leg of lamb and white chocolate pound cake.
Hold on there. First you have to prove yourself worthy. Are you honest and of good character? Are you fearless and brave? Do you promise to use these recipes for good and never let them fall into the clutches of evil?
Never mind, you big weirdo. I'll get them from the library.
You qualify. Next?
Would you like to save $100, $150, even $200 on automobile insurance?
Oops. Junk mail.
Is your brother still in Iraq?
Oh heck no. He came home early. He says his contract was terminated upon completion of his assignment.
What was his assignment, anyway?
To sit in a room and run a remote-control camera in a courtroom a few floors away. You'll notice I said "assignment" and not "work." This is why.
So why did he have to leave? The trials aren't over.
I think the Iraqis kicked him out.
Why? Did he insult them or break the law?
No, just on general principles. Either that or some sort of quota system. The place already has an abundance of screwballs.
© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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