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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 ‘Hazard’ a Guess at Source of Ire

Interesting news from Oklahoma ("Home of the Oklas") where police have begun ticketing people who drive slowly in the left lanes of interstate highway.

And they say dreams don't come true.

Seriously, now: How many times have you been cruising along President Eisenhower's ribbon of blacktop only to find yourself slamming on the brakes because some tourist in a '65 Ambassador is rambling along in the left lane at a stately 43 miles an hour?

And how many times, after peeling your brake-mashed lip away from the steering wheel and prying your passenger's white-knuckled fingers out of the dashboard, have you wished there were a cop around to put an end to this sort of thing? Better yet, how many times have you secretly wished to be a cop so you could put an end to it yourself?

How many times have you secretly wished that Ford F-150 pickup trucks came equipped with Get-In-The-Proper-Lane-You-Dolt loudspeaker systems? Oh, no. Wait! How about laser beams in the headlights and machine guns in the turn signals so you could just sort of take care of this '65 Ambassador problem once and for all? OK, maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I applaud Oklahoma in this effort, hope that other states (are you listening, Indiana?) follow suit, and believe this should be the start of a campaign to eliminate from the roads everything that annoys me. Wait. No. I mean eliminate other hazards, such as:

* People who come up to the intersection, pause, and then deploy the turn signal ... while you're holding up traffic trying to figure out what in blazes they're up to. When you're a motorcyclist trying to avoid being turned into a hood ornament by a late-signaling, left-turning motorist who doesn't see you because he's too wrapped up in his cell phone conversation to pay attention to the road, it's more of a thrill than you really need.

* People in the right lane of the interstate who don't believe in allowing traffic to merge from the on-ramps.

* People in the left lane who don't believe in letting the people in the right lane move over so traffic can merge from the on-ramps.

* People in the on-ramps who seem to think you can solve the problem if you just pretend not to see any other cars, hit the gas and hope for the best.

* The morons who don't pay attention to what they're doing until you try to pass, which they see as a personal affront. They speed up. Which makes you speed up.

Which makes them speed up some more. When you finally get around them, six or seven miles down the road, they tailgate you. Then they pass you. At which point they go back to not paying attention.

Perhaps you have suggestions of your own. Pass them along. I'll print the clean ones.

Oh, and about that laser-beam headlight thing? Just kidding. I don't drive like that. By pokey, I mean I drive the speed limit, instead of the customary speed-limit-plus-fifteen. Unless, of course, there's a meal waiting at the end of the drive. Then, in the name of safety, you'd probably better get out of my way.

Let's face it, we'd all be a lot - oh, wait. I just remembered another annoyance -- I mean hazard -- I'd like the cops to address:

* The folks who drive like the stripes on the pavement are just there for decoration. Pick a lane, Goober. We have several.

But keep that Ambassador out of the left one.

 

 

 

© 2008 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.