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Living Extra Large with Big John
I'm a fairly big guy - a shade over six feet tall and two-hundred-and-mumble pounds - and occasionally, I buy clothes at one of those Fashion Stores For Big And Beastly Men.
I do this for several reasons.
I like my casual shirts on the generous side - "generous" in this case meaning "able to serve as apparel for me, or temporary shelter for a family of four."
I like having a choice of colors. In some stores, if they even HAVE Big Guy sizes, you have to choose between black and black.
And it's nice to shop in a place where the sizes go up to XXXXXXXXL (pronounced WOW, HE'S BIG). Next to guys that size pawing through the racks, I become one of the skinny fellows. You have no idea how good that feels to someone who spent much of his childhood being called "Lard Butt." By his mother.
Anyway, I figure these occasional forays into the world of Men's Fashions By Omar The Tentmaker, and the subsequent mailing lists I have joined, must be the reason for the astonishing catalog that landed in my mailbox today.
It's "Living XL," subtitled "Unique and Innovative Products For Tall and Plus Sized Men and Women." And when they say Plus, they mean PLUS. Which is another way to say XXXXXXXXL.
I'm especially intrigued by the products for the Plus Sized Bathroom. We're talking scales that measure up to 1000 pounds and bath towels that measure - are you ready? - 80 inches by 40 inches.
Actually, I'd like to have a few of those 80-by-40 towels. I've always wanted to be able to wrap a towel around my waist like they do in the movies. With standard-issue towels I have more waist than terrycloth, which means I'm going to catch a breeze somewhere down there. With a towel that measures 80-by-40, however, I could wrap myself up and have material left over to make a matching jacket. The problem is, these towels weigh three pounds each - dry. Let's fast forward to laundry day, shall we? Wet, those things are going to weigh half a ton (which you could verify on the bathroom scales.) It would take two people and an overhead winch just to move them from the washer to the dryer.
This brings us to the product that really sets this catalog apart: A heavy-duty (so to speak) toilet seat with a capacity of 1,200 pounds. Yes. Twelve hundred pounds. Good grief, my grandparents' outhouse was a three-holer and I doubt it was rated to hold 1,200 pounds (although in a family of Big Eaters like ours, that probably would have been a good idea).
Now, I don't want you thinking that I am picking on big people. Heaven forbid. As I said, I hold some Big Person credentials of my own. No, what got me was the name of the toilet seat - a name so obvious and perfect, and yet so silly, that it made me laugh until I almost fell off my chair:
As I said, obvious, perfect and silly. It's big and it goes on the … well, in our family we called it the Clyde, out of respect to Uncle John, but Big Clyde doesn't work. What could you call this seat EXCEPT "Big John"?
Be quiet, Mom.
© 2007 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.
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