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Mike Redmond Column

Please refer to the Mike Redmond Column main page for columns published in other issues.
Mike can be contacted via e-mail at mike@mikeredmondonline.com.

 

 

 

 $500 Jeans Won't Fit Most Budgets

So I'm prowling around the Weird Wide Web when I come across this item from the International Herald Tribune about a computer in London being used to take precise measurements of human beings for production of a pair of jeans.

Two hours later I am watching the Woody Allen movie, "Sleeper" - specifically the scene where Miles (Woody), living in the future, goes to get a suit of clothes at a computer assisted tailor shop.

Well, I know the call of destiny when I hear it. Or at least the mumble of coincidence. This is something I have to make fun of. I mean look into.

 Now, as a general rule I am in favor of computer-assisted life. I write on a computer. I shop on a computer. I keep in touch with friends on a computer. And I would even be in favor of a computer helping to measure me for clothes, were it not for the fact that a pair of computer-assisted jeans will set you back $500.

Yep. $500 for a pair of Jetson jeans.

I guess the attraction is that they fit perfectly, which begs the question: Where did anyone get the notion that jeans are supposed to fit perfectly?

That's a falsehood created by the jeans industry in order to keep us buying jeans, in the hope that one of these days we'll actually find a pair with just the right combination of qualities - a comfortable waist, perfect seat, just the right amount of room in the thighs, correct length, proper number of pockets.

We think if we just keep looking, we'll come across jeans that make us look 15 pounds slimmer without having to give up our Hershey bars. We'll have silhouettes that draw admiring glances from everyone, and our lives will be immeasurably improved. And so we keep searching. And buying. And hoping.

And for what?

They're jeans --the most utilitarian item of clothing most of us own, whose main function is to keep the elements off our bottom halves. That's it, really. They keep the rain off your hiney, and your hiney off the furniture. When you think about it, anything beyond that - fashion, for instance - becomes optional.

As we speak, I am wearing a pair of Pointer brand carpenter jeans that fit me about as well as I can expect jeans to fit anymore. I'm starting to acquire a family trait that shows up in men my age, the famous McKenzie Flat Fanny, so any jeans I wear are going to look saggy in the cargo area. This is why I've switched to a money clip to carry my allowance. I got tired of reaching back and finding my wallet down around the back of my knee.

 Anyway, I bought these jeans, as I buy most of my jeans, at Yoder's Department Store in Shipshewana, Indiana. It's not exactly upscale (upscale places generally don't have hardware departments) and it helps if you know your size, although someone will measure you if necessary. And you can get about 20 pair for the price of those jeans in London.

I suppose it's only a matter of time before someone makes a film about a guy named Miles who winds up in Amish Country where a nice lady at Yoder's measures him for a pair of overalls. Do you hear that, Woody? Destiny is mumbling.

 

© 2007 Mike Redmond. All Rights Reserved.