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Pogo Said Enemy is Actually Us
I found the e-mail about a politically correct Christmas that I intended to use this past Christmas. Actually, it's timely today where voters are applying litmus tests to candidates. "Is the candidate a true conservative, liberal enough, patriotic enough, for or against the war in Iraq, for or against abortion, for or against gun control, for or against gay marriage, too religious, not religious enough, of the wrong faith ... ?" Our system isn't broken. It's that self-centered, contentious Americans and officials alike spend too much time contemplating their belly buttons and insist on having everything their own way that causes us to flounder in a morass of political correctness. As Pogo said, "I have seen the enemy and it is us!"
There's a lesson in this purported experience of a woman who was in charge of planning her company's Christmas party. October 1 - From Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director:
To: All Employees re Christmas party: I'm happy to inform you that the Company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar. We'll have a small band playing traditional carols - feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus. A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Employees can exchange gifts; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. Merry Christmas to you and your family.
October 2 - In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy holidays to you and your family.
October 3 - Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table. You didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on the table, you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? . . . Somebody? About the gift exchange: The union members feel that $10 is too much, and the executives believe that it's a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGES WILL BE ALLOWED.
October 4 - What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 occurs during the Muslim holy month of Ramadan which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. We can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill house can package everything for them to take home. Meanwhile, I've arranged for the members of Weight Watchers to sit furthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit together. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men- - each will have their own table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing will be allowed. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt in the food. We suggest that those with high blood pressure taste first. There will be fresh fruit for dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply sugar-free desserts. Sorry.
October 5 - To all bleeping employees about the bleeping Holiday Party: You vegetarian bleeps, we're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest away from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your bleeping salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. They're screaming NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday. The witch from Hell!
From: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director: I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery. In the meantime, management has canceled the party and will give everyone the afternoon off with pay. Happy Holidays
I pity the poor devils who run for president.
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