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 Be Vewy, Vewy Quiet. I'm Hunting Noise Makers

A recent development reminded me of the late, great character actor, Elmer Fudd, who was perhaps most famous for his catch phrase “Be vewy, vewy quiet, I’m hunting wabbits.”

Fudd was actually a cartoon character, but nonetheless a brilliant and talented actor who was typecast and received literally no other offers from the Hollywood elite.

If Fudd were in Knightstown today, he would probably understand more than anyone what all of the fuss was about during last week’s planning commission meeting in New Castle.

Two area residents complained to the planning commission about the noise caused by events held at Boondock’s Farms. I couldn’t agree with those guys more, because standing on my porch, I’ve heard that cannon being fired. It interrupted my train of thought and momentarily distracted me.

Excessive noise is a form of pollution. Because of that, I think those who complained about the problem with Boondock’s Farms are taking a stand and crying out for help.

I believe it’s way past the time to make this community the true Utopia we all want it to be and finally rid ourselves of all the nuisances that surround us.

After a few people warned us about the potential for noise, a couple of years ago we were successful in keeping Mark Dismore’s race track out of this area. The brilliant maneuver saved us from that facility and forced the residents of Spiceland to put up with having a world-class go-kart race track next door. Now, they are suffering because of the accompanying racket, traffic, celebrities, visitors, new jobs, tourists and – worst of all – noisy kids having lots of fun. Blocking the track has proved to be a major victory for us.

But our work should not stop there. We have other noise polluters in this community and it’s time to do something about them. We should send them packing like we did Dismore. The list is pretty long, so I’ll keep it to the worst of the violators.

 

We’ve all seen the train and we’ve definitely heard it. It’s apparently an enjoyable trip for those city folk who often don’t get to see such magnificent scenery, nature and wildlife that unfortunately exists between here and Carthage. It’s apparently a great treat for the kids, too. But the train is noisy and a disruption if you are forced to wait a few seconds for it to pass. The fact that those visitors spend lots of money here in restaurants, gas stations and antique shops is not worth the inconvenience when the whistle blows and we have to hear that heckling noise. We should dump the train rides once and for all.

 

This one-block stretch is not compatible with the overall goals of our community. Those Make A Difference, Knightstown do-gooders probably mean well, but they are constantly mowing the grass and trimming the hedges, planting flowers, laughing amongst one another and occasionally making some noise. The downtown area will be quieter without all of that commotion. Demolish the square.

 

The majority of area residents belong to a church, and regardless of which one you attend, you have to admit that on Sunday mornings everyone is singing loudly. That can be a distraction to anyone who may be driving by if their window is down. Most churches are also located in residential areas, so neighboring homeowners are at risk for the noise pollution. We must bulldoze the churches.

 

They draw crowds of people who laugh really loud. They have juke boxes and occasional bands playing music. That annoying mixture of music and laughter can be heard if you are walking or driving near the facilities. We should shut them down.

 

Many north side residents have told me they can actually hear the traffic on I-70 from their front porch. The town council needs to get off its butt and force the state to reroute this nuisance that has wrecked havoc on local tranquility for four decades. And while we have the council’s attention, how about passing an ordinance that allows us to discharge a firearm (with a silencer, of course), to rid our neighborhood of those annoying, cooing white doves?

 

During every high school home football game you can hear the horrifying thunderous cheers of the crowd from anywhere in Knightstown. The Optimist Club youth sports games also draw very large gatherings and their cheering is easily detected throughout the summer. These events need to be replaced by PSP games equipped with mute buttons.

 

Those who have complained are right, especially if they were hunting for wascally wabbits at the time they were disrupted by the noises. Those rude Boondocks people play host to thousands of visitors all summer long. I’ve seen school buses filled with out-of-town kids come and go at the facility. They were laughing – probably at us! The tormenting decibel level of their joy is just too much. And the screams echoing through the woods and corn fields by the thousands of visitors walking the Haunted Trails is almost deafening. Maybe we could sucker the Spiceland people into taking this off our hands, too?

The actual list of noise intruders is so long it’s staggering, and those are noisemakers we can simply do without. While we’re at it, let’s get rid of those pesky sirens on the police cars, fire trucks and ambulances, outlaw Harley Davidson motorcycles, loud-talking people and anything else we consider an annoyance.

Once we have done all of these things, then we could take out a little insurance policy against any future violators who might be thinking about moving into our quiet little community.

We could change the sign on the outskirts of town to say, “Welcome to Knightstown, A Great Place to Visit, A Better Place To Not Make Any Damned Noise.”

Now please, be vewy, vewy quiet.

 

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