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Inside the Chrome Dome (archive October 2007)

Please refer to the Inside the Chrome Dome main page for columns published in other issues.




 Chrome Dome Was No Match for Boondocks’ Haunted Trails

The challenge had been issued, followed by the dreaded triple-dog dare. To save face, the Chrome Dome would have to brave the dangerous and feared haunted trails at Boondock’s Farms.

No problem. I have no fear when it comes to things that aren’t real. It’s reality that I think is scary. I’m not the least bit afraid of trekking through the rolling hills and woods, watching other people get the heck scared out of them. Actually, I think it’s kind of funny watching people squirm when they are at the movie theatre and someone is hacking people up with a chainsaw.

It’s just a movie, so how could it possibly be that scary?

I had heard some pretty good things about those haunted trails at Boondock’s farms. Coach Bob Prescott told me he took the Panther football team out there and some of them resembled screaming third graders. I had been told the haunted trails were the real deal, as in, really scary.

With that in mind, I knew I would have to formulate a plan – sort of an insurance policy – in the interest of protecting my fearless image.

I decided to put together a team of individuals to accompany me on this experience.

I was careful to select the perfect people, based on extensive research of horror movies. The pattern followed by most horror movies is pretty specific. If a bunch of people are going to be slaughtered by Freddy or Jason, they are likely to carry particular traits.

My idea was to surround myself with a “team of potential victims”, thereby assuring my safety and escape from the haunted trails.

I brought with me, in no particular order, a slutty cheerleader, a slow runner, a nerd, a fraidycat female, a token redhead, a relatively clueless female, and a black guy. In the movies, those are the people who are always killed first. All I had to do was round up that menu of personalities and I would be safe and set.

As it turns out, that was the easy part. Misty would fill in nicely as the fraidycat. Her daughter Chelsea, 15, who is in no way a cheerleader and certainly not slutty, would still do for that role because the monsters lurking in the woods didn’t know that.

Chelsea’s boyfriend Tyler, 16, would be the nerd because, well, he’s admittedly a little nerdy.

Misty’s son Tyler, 12, would be the slow runner because you can’t run very fast while playing with your PSP, which I imagined he’d be doing as we’re walking through the haunted trails. He has no choice; the PSP is fused to his hands.

The clueless female would be Tiffany, 20, who has been practicing all her life to play that role.

Her boyfriend, Shawn, would play the black guy because, well, he is a black guy. Dallas, 12, would play the redhead because he has freckles.

With all of that bait, I surmised I would be the only person left alive after the brutal massacre in the haunted trails at Boondock’s Farms.

The plan was in place and we arrived Saturday evening, ready to challenge one of the spookiest places on the planet.

Off we went, the fearless Chrome Dome leading the way. When we were standing in line waiting for our turn to hit the trail, my mind began to wander. I thought about some of the more stupid things I’ve done in my life, and wondered if this was another one.

It’s almost embarrassing when you realize there’s just not enough time to reminisce of all the stupid things you’ve done over the years.

Then my concentration was broken by the horrified screams of the people in my group.

I have to tell you the truth, we weren’t one minute into the haunted trail when, despite a fresh shave, the first big scare caused the hair on my head to stand up straight. The roots were trying to get the heck out of there.

How scary is Boondock’s Farms’ haunted trails? I saw people flatly refuse to finish the trail. I even saw some that decided not to start it. Our group finished with fewer people than we had at the start. To my knowledge, all are alive.

There’s something uncomfortable about being in a dark wooded area when a maniac comes running at you with a chainsaw. I’m not going to give anything else away, but I can tell you there’s nowhere to run. Another frightening surprise is around every corner.

On a scoring system of one-to-five Domies, I give the haunted trails at Boondock’s Farms five Domies. It was better than any haunted house I’ve been to, and the reaction and appreciation of the couple of hundred people I saw go through there was amazing.

If you haven’t been there, you don’t have a clue what you’re missing.

We went on a Saturday night, and trust me, this little secret is out. The place was packed and the license plates in the parking lot were from Kokomo, Marion, Indianapolis, Ohio and everywhere in between. We were there for hours and I saw no one leave disappointed.

Nobody from our group was slaughtered by the horrifying monsters that lurk in the woods. But I guarantee you they all thought they were going to be. Everyone felt a little pee escaping several times.

Of course, personally, I never lost focus and maintained the steady, cool, fearless nature I learned in the United States Army many years ago.

But then we started walking down the trail.






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